Poor communication has gotten me into trouble way too many times.  Today I was thinking about an incident that happened back in high school.  It was a small situation that taught me a big lesson.  One I still use today.

I was working on a project in art class with one of my best friends and we finished up a little early. For some reason, we decided to fill our spare time by playing “basketball” and throwing beads into a trashcan from across the room.

Unsurprisingly, the art teacher did not share our fascination in determining who was better at this particular contest, and he bluntly told us to cut it out.

Here’s where I should I have listened to the teacher and went about my day.  But for some reason, on this day the foolish teenage boy in me decided that he didn’t like the tone of the teacher’s comment, and proceeded to tell him just that.

As this very moment, the bell rang.  Sensing disaster looming, my friend quietly packed up his belongs and took off for the next class (thanks, Darren!)

This left me one on one with a suddenly furious art teacher that didn’t like my attitude one bit.  The feeling was mutual, and I found a couple of creative ways to tell him that.  Hello detention, along with the task of figuring out how to explain to my parents that I had managed to get myself kicked out of my favorite class.

COMMUNICATION LESSON

So all these years later, what’s the lesson?  Respond, don’t react.

Rightly or wrongly (ok, wrongly), I was angry and embarrassed, and I let my emotions choose my words for me.  This may have felt good for a moment, but it caused me a lot of trouble later.

I see people fall into this trap in the workplace all the time.  They make a practice of speaking and arguing without thinking, and then they wonder why their career plans never seem to work out.

These same people will defend their conduct by saying, “That’s just the way I am”.  As if they have no choice but to let their emotions choose their words for them.  As if they must react instead of responding.

PROFESSIONAL COMMUNICATION IS A TOOL, NOT AN OUTLET

But, shouldn’t you always speak what you feel?  Well, no, you shouldn’t.  Especially not at work.

Professional communication is a tool, not an outlet.  In other words, you should speak in a way that benefits you and those around you.  Angry rants rarely do either.

In the professional world, the calmest person wins.

There are other ways to let off steam.  Family, friends, and therapists all make great listeners.  Heck, even pets are known to be pretty good at keeping secrets.  Let your emotions out in a safe environment with people who won’t judge you, but keep your workplace communication professional.

Now, I’m not saying you can never be angry at work.  Anger can be a good motivator when you express it in a professional and focused way.  When you take the fire of emotion and compress it with the precision of a laser.

Instead of “Mary, I can’t believe you got this report wrong again!”, it’s “Mary, what can we do to remove the obstacles preventing you from completing this report accurately next time?”

Instead of “I hate this place!”, it’s thinking “I’ve had a good run here, but I don’t think this is the best fit anymore.  It’s time to start working on my next step.”

A simple rule of thumb: Before speaking at work, especially when upset, ask yourself “If I say this, will it benefit my career and the people around me?”.

Not “What will make me feel better?” or “What do I think this person deserves?”.

Just “Will this benefit my career and the people around me?”.  If the answer is no, take a deep breath.  Go for a walk.  Look out the window.  Talk to your dog.  Respond, don’t react.

And whatever you do, don’t throw beads.